the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
