p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
