WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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