There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
