Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize