You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
