When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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