Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
