Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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