4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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