my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
