The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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