I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
