my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
