I accidentally had phone sex last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
