Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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