im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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