How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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