Acid is not a monday night drug
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
