he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
