Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
