I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize