you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
