Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You ruined the universe
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
