I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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