I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
