I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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