wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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