The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
