Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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