my phone needs a breathalizer
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
