i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
