Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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