He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
