my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I still have a little drunk in my system
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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