you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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