Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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