What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize