Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
