She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
