I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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