i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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