Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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