well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
soo... how was my night?
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