If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
