Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
