Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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