I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
