Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
