I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
soo... how was my night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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