It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
