I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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