its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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