if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
