i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
