last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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