dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
