she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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