After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
