he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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