I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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