so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have fence marks all over my body
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
