I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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