Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i have two assholes
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
